Gani

Stock prices of Pfizer are predicted to hit record levels in the next 6 months. This is because they recently introduced the first ever drug to treat hypochondria. This drug is predicted to revolutionize the care of hypochondriacs. This drug is enteric coated and a combination of two active ingredients, sugar and starch. It’s chemical name is sucrose- (2R,3S,4S,5R,6R)-2-(hydroxymethyl)-6-[(2R,3S,4R,5R,6S)-4,5,6-trihydroxy-2-(hydroxymethyl)oxan-3-yl]oxy-oxane-3,4,5-trio. It will be marketed under the trade name Placebadil TM. In phase one and two trials, the drug was successful at treating a myriad of perceived illnesses such as 2 day old sinus infections, Covid 19, brain cancers, and appendicitis. The trials were so successful that it was placed on fast track to be approved before the end of the year. One participant in the study, was cured of her perceived endometriosis after only three doses. That study was conducted in a double blind fashion. The patient did not know if she was...

SEATTLE, WA – Dr. Samuel Sheepman, a general practitioner at Wortley Medical Clinic, has created a new frequent flyer rewards program for chronic illness patients. “For example, say we have a patient with fibromyalgia. For their first visit, I’ll have a medical student or resident educate the patient on the reward card system: two clinic visits within a month-long period is a 30-point bonus with FastPass Rheumatology Referral”. Dr. Sheepman notes that this program is versatile and easily modified for a multitude of chronic ailments. “A diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome immediately qualifies patients for our Discover Gastroenterology Reward Card, with an 18-month time window of unlimited colonoscopy referrals. Any variant of chronic pain gets the Anaesthesiology-Psychiatry United Explorer Reward Card with a bonus direct-from-clinic hospital admission…the possibilities are truly endless.” Since adopting this new system, the nearby Alliance Atrium Hospital has seen a 79% increase ...

BEAR, DE—In an admirable attempt to incentivize mask-wearing amongst America’s twentysomethings, who are thought to be driving the summer resurgence of Covid-19 due to a callous disregard for CDC recommendations, health officials have offered them a sweet deal: If they cover up their mouth and nose in public, they don’t have to cover up the rest of their bodies! Infectious diseases experts believe this may be the key to suppressing the SARS-CoV-2 virus once and for all. “We know masking is very effective,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, “but many young people feel like their freedom is being taken away when forced to wear a mask. So in exchange, we’re giving them some freedom back by temporarily ending public nudity bans.” Standing in front of a banner displaying the CDC’s new slogan, “Wear a Mask, Bare Your Ass,” Dr. Anthony Fauci echoed the CDC Director. “Let’s face it, these beautiful young people wanna be naked and party all the time, and old people like myself just don’t wa...

In a stunning move by the WHO this past Friday, “Schmutz” was formally incorporated into the list of acceptable ICD-10 diagnoses for radiological findings. Technically defined as a filthy substance such as dust or grime, “schmutz” is originally of Yiddish and German etymology. However, the term has been adopted by radiologists for decades to describe radiological findings that look like…well…schmutz. “This is long overdue”, sighed a relieved Dr. Ray DeGraph. “For years we’ve been boxed into using certain terms that don’t really fit. Especially for chest imaging. Sometimes there’s a little something on CT you can’t quite describe. It’s not a consolidation, or ground glass, or even weird atelectasis. It’s just schmutz.” Since the release of “Schmutz”, preliminary data from the WHO show plummeting usage rates of the codes for “Abnormal findings on diagnostic imaging of the lung” and “Other nonspecific abnormal finding of lung field”. Although usage rates of the code for “Bitten by sha...

ATLANTA, GA—Frustrated that no one is listening to their Covid-19 recommendations, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) announced today that it had no choice but to kick the American public out of its practice. Effective immediately, the CDC has terminated its 74-year relationship with U.S. citizens, citing irreconcilable differences. “Why should we continue to offer vital, evidence-based recommendations when they just fall on deaf ears?” asked CDC Director Robert Redfield, who added that the preeminent public health institute will soon be relocating to New Zealand, a country that very quickly managed to eradicate the coronavirus. “We believe we’ll find clientele there who’ll actually listen to our sound suggestions.” “I mean, really, anywhere would be better than here,” Dr. Redfield continued. “We told Americans to wear masks; they claimed masks would kill them. We recommended social distancing; they threw crowded Covid parties where the goal was to be the first t...

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing new research from the Pharmaceutical Research & Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) that indicates physicians prescribe drugs they learned about in medical school at a far higher rate than those they did not, Washington Medical School has announced its popular Pharmacology course will be immediately and permanently removed from its curriculum. “The data is striking and indisputable,” said the embarrassed Dean of Students Priya Scryber. “It’s quite clear our former students were heavily influenced by our Pharmacology lectures. You’d think these brilliant young minds would be capable of thinking for themselves, but apparently they’re just blindly prescribing whichever medications they were lectured about in that class. “How else do you explain,” Dr. Scryber continued, “why every single one of my former students always prescribes carbidopa/levodopa for Parkinson disease and thyroid hormone for hypothyroidism?” Patients might expect their doctors to be free-think...

The fall is here and with it, comes the latest fashion trends for the coolest and hippest of people of the world: those who are immune not only to a virus but also to the disapproving stares of others. Thanks to this pesky little virus, known among the elite as the “Rona”, overstaying its welcome, and trips to the French Riviera or Milan being out of the question, many fashion aficionados have not been able to show their extravagant uniqueness at the trendy dance clubs or the beach parties. Just like saggy jeans were the thing that cool people did in the Nineties, amateur swaggers and fashionistas, eager to fulfill their endless need for attention, have come up with the idea of wearing their customized face masks on their chins. This misplacement not only makes you look like you try care about people around you, but it also shows that you are truly revolutionary given that no one has thought of wearing said mask this way before you. Like any other fashion trend, more common folk, es...

LITTLE FALLS, MN—Dr. Daya Stolick, a new surgical intern, hardly broke a sweat when there was a massive amount of blood loss during her first operative case, expertly helping her attending stop the hemorrhaging. But hours later, during a post-op check, when she saw the numbers 60/30 flashing on the patient’s monitor, she dropped straight to the ground. Humiliated, Dr. Stolick struggled to explain what happened on that fateful day. “I think I just panicked when I saw those alarming red numbers. As a stupid intern, I had no idea blood pressure could even drop that low, let alone what to do for it. Vasopressors? Fluids? Medicine consult? Prayer? Who knows? So I just performed the best intervention I could think of: faint and let someone else take care of the problem.” While her fellow residents have mercilessly mocked her ever since, her attending has been surprisingly easy on her. “I think it’s admirable that she let her blood pressure plummet to the same level as the patient’s. Now t...

Scientists discover that the novel Corona virus is more of a prick than they had originally thought. It’s viral machinery, although devoid of any identifiable “nervous tissue” or “brain” has apparently developed the ability to plot the demise of humankind. Patterns have emerged among lab specimens that indicate that the virus, when considered as individuals, are not that remarkable. However, when in groups, they collaborate, plot, and overall, act like assholes. Although no centralized brain among individuals has been identified, the pattern of behavior infers an ability to consciously plan the timing of their mutations. Virologist Clayton Peters spoke with reporters on Tuesday. “It appears that they these individual viruses behave much like other viruses. They hijack the machinery in our human cells, and use it to proliferate more copies of themselves. However, recent research has uncovered that the novel Coronavirus is actually consciously waiting to mutate until we have developed ...

All the bickering of which is best The song, the canvass, the word, the marbled stone, The rest Pittance such luxury Lacking any test Pittance yes! Void of existential quest Ver-Sed, Ver-Sed Who maketh thee? Who taketh thee And Sedateth me? Who bends me forward to hit the spine And Dullen me? Who slips the Foley in To Empty me? Who punches holes And cuts me now From Navel To My wooly down? And snips The Sigmoid Removing For all time My frown? Salud to you Dear Surgeon Dan My Bowel Your David Your Peter Pan Your Ode, Your Humboldt’s Gift Oh gaze upon My tummy’s rift True art Surpasses tests of time True art Yields gifts sublime True art Transforms the crass True art Allows the gas to pass Oh sirens Sing celestial praise To such simple joy Flatulence, Sulphuric haze The joke recall The heart, the brain, the ass? Yo! Urethra Oh stream, oh river! Flow I work I work again Back now To Silly pursuits I void I void again Satan Lo...

MANHATTAN, NY- Ms. Rosa Shea, rising M4 and dermatology hopeful, was busy adding finishing-filters to her Instagram story – an aesthetic and tasteful picture featuring a cappuccino, a copy of First-Aid, and her Littman – when she was interrupted by a devastating email from her school asking for her Zoom account information to prepare for the unprecedented move to virtual interviews this application cycle in light of the COVID-19 crisis. “I was already upset I wouldn’t be able to show my carefully curated ‘Mean Girls’ persona and my fashion sense after this virus took away in-person interviews from me, and now this?! I just assumed remote interviews could take place through my Instagram live feed. What even is Zoom? Is it like Snapchat for ugly people?” Further hardship awaited after being told Instagram account information isn’t a field in ERAS. “But what have I been working on then? The 260 Step score I got was only to boost my brand online, you know, my future skincare line- ‘Sell...

NEW HAVEN, CT – A patient and her inpatient medicine team at Yale Medical Center are relieved to report that her nasopharyngeal swab for Covid-19 has come back positive, negative & indeterminate. This marks a huge diagnostic win for healthcare professionals who are now six months into the pandemic. “Just think about it, six months ago we didn’t have any tests or if we did the turnaround time took anywhere from 5 to 7 days ,” explained Yale hospitalist Dr. Trevor Monahan. “But fast forward to today. It took only 12 hours to get this test result back. It really is a game-changer.” “I’m relieved to say the least,” explained patient 37-year-old Alexandra Chin, who wished to remain nameless. She has been improving every day and says her team is thinking about discharging her home in the next 24 to 48 hours. “I was really worried that I came down with coronavirus. Thank goodness that swab helped clear things up.” from GomerBlog https://ift.tt/2Yq3wsI via https://ift.tt/33YfKfD ht...

BOSTON, MA – A landmark, peer-reviewed study published earlier today in the New England Journal of COVID-19 suggests that the cure for novel coronavirus, better known as Covid-19 , is most likely in the same elusive vortex, parallel universe, or alternate dimension that contains all of our missing pens. That’s bad news considering we haven’t found our pens. STILL. In less than a year, there has been tremendous progress made in our understanding of Covid-19: the hyperexaggerated immune response in the form of cytokine storm, macrovascular and microvascular thrombi associated with a virus-induced hypercoaguable state, and the role of non-mask-wearers in contributing to human extinction. But despite those things, treatments are few, and a cure doesn’t yet exist. “It’s the same thing with our pens,” explained infectious diseases physician Maryanne Rex, who has been paged every 26 seconds since the Covid-19 pandemic started. “We know so much, about how we can prevent the loss of pens ...

Third-grade teacher Mr. Granger’s class has had a ball during their annual career day, where students invite a grown-up to come talk about their job. Scientists, firefighters, and chefs, oh my! But someone probably should have asked Kelly Chang about their mother’s specialty before inviting them to the most recent career day… It started out innocently enough. “Kelly’s mom is here, and guess what, she’s a doctor!” Mr. Granger raved breathlessly. “Please everyone, give a big hand to Dr. Chang!” “You know what they say about big hands right?” Dr. Chang chuckled over a sea of uncomprehending faces, save Mr. Granger’s shocked face. “Anyone? Well ah…tough crowd! That one usually gets a few laughs.” “I’m sorry,” murmured Mr. Granger. “What kind of physician did you say you were?” “I’m a urologist!” Dr. Chang replied brightly over Mr. Granger’s shuddering gasp. “Surgeon of the urinary tract and the male reproductive system! Now to be honest, I’ve never really done this before, but I hear...

All that “digestion and absorption is so overrated” Weight loss surgery has gained popularity, although success rates are no where near 100%. Patients have been asking for more effective types of weight loss surgeries, especially once’s that eliminate the need for exercise. Well patients must look no further! One surgeon in Mississippi, Dr. Chunkenfixer was tired of having his weight loss patients regain a portion of their weight so he developed a cutting edge procedure to combat this. This innovative and radical surgery involves removing the entire enteric system except for the esophagus and the rectum. The distal esophageal sphincter is then anastomosed to the internal anal sphincter providing a continuous path for food in, food out. This amazing procedure bypasses all that annoying digestion and absorption. It provides patient with a way to truly eat and still loose weight, without even having to get up off the couch. There have been only a few minor problems with the procedur...